


Just The Way It Is

by GermanShepherd



Series: Im/Patience [1]
Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Internal Monologue, M/M, Pre-Slash, not that benji doesn't like him but this is from ethan's perspective, one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 08:31:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14766140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GermanShepherd/pseuds/GermanShepherd
Summary: In which Ethan is an analytical nerd and realises he's completely in love with Benji."Ethan's mental record of falling in love with Benji reads like an official log. If it were written out, he imagines it would look like this:Tuesday, 10:37: noticed Benji's snark.Tuesday, 16:14: noticed Benji's stubble.Thursday, 12:45: rolled eyes at Benji's pun.Saturday, 23:11: stared too long at Benji’s mouth.Sunday, 07:10: noticed how straight Benji's teeth are.Wednesday, 13:09: laughed at Benji’s pun, which wasn’t even funny."





	Just The Way It Is

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to explore the process of Ethan falling in love with Benji because I don't think we see that very often.
> 
> EDIT: I've recently fixed up parts of the writing that I didn't like very much; none of the content has changed, just the flow/readability.

The first time Ethan really notices Benji, he thinks the man must be either brilliant or really, really idiotic. A world-ending bug? The anti-god? Really? That’s the sort of thing dreamt up by someone who reads far too many comic books. Or maybe it’s something predicted by someone who knows far too much about high-level tech.

It doesn’t take long for him to decide that Benji is the former. Brilliant, fast, capable. Resourceful.

The second time Ethan takes special notice of Benji is when he has his voice in his ear, guiding him through Shanghai. Even though Benji’s reluctant, his voice is earnest, and Ethan knows the tech is trying his very best to help out a friend. But there’s something else about that voice. Something about it makes Ethan feel a lightness in his guts, something like a...flutter.

 _That's interesting,_ Ethan thinks, and files the feeling away in his mental records.

It becomes an open file after not too long. He’s with Julia, of course, and she is mind-bendingly wonderful, even though she can’t know all of Ethan.

And then he’s not with Julia, because he can’t be, and the file has no new entries for a while.

The third time Ethan takes special notice, he’s just been broken out of prison and Benji is driving the extraction van, which Ethan never would have expected. Benji himself is surprised, delighted, even, that he actually passed the field exam. Ethan loves adrenaline as much as the next guy, but most people don’t react with glee, exactly.

At the Kremlin, Benji is so excited about being out in the field undercover that it’s all Ethan can do to just remind him to be quiet. Ethan barely remembers what it feels like to be so new to this. He wrestles down a smile, because General Fedorov isn’t a smiling person, but inside, he glows a little. _Filing that glow away, to examine later._

The next entry is Benji having the foresight to bring the scaling gloves, and telling him, so honestly, how the glove works (“Easy way to remember - blue: glue.” “And when it’s red?” “Dead”), even though the thought of falling to his death off the side of the tallest building in the world scares the shit out of Ethan. Ethan sees how worried Benji is, and how he’s doing a terrible job at hiding it. He appreciates the concern.

After they avoid nuclear catastrophe, and Benji says, in an oddly matter-of-fact way, how he isn’t sleeping, but is totally fine, by the way, Ethan’s heart wrenches uncomfortably hard.

 _Hmm_ , he thinks, _guess I’ll have to open that file._

By the time enough evidence has built up to decisively draw a conclusion, he already knows that he’s falling for the tech guy.

(Ethan's mental record of falling in love with Benji reads like an official log. If it were written out, he imagines it would look like this:  
Tuesday, 10:37: noticed Benji's snark.  
Tuesday, 16:14: noticed Benji's stubble.  
Thursday, 12:45: rolled eyes at Benji's pun.  
Saturday, 23:11: stared too long at Benji’s mouth.  
Sunday, 07:10: noticed how straight Benji's teeth are.  
Wednesday, 13:09: laughed at Benji’s pun, which wasn’t even funny.)

Then things go sideways - he’s kidnapped, Ilsa helps him escape and he’s really not sure what her deal is, he’s tracking down Lane more or less by himself - and six months go by. When he tricks Benji into coming to Vienna (it’s sweet how much the guy likes the opera, so Ethan feels a _little_ bad about it), he’s totally taken aback by the sight of Benji in a tux. Or rather, he’s taken aback by how much he likes the sight of Benji in a tux. By this point, he’s just sighing powerlessly as new entries go into the file, and he’s considering throwing the whole thing away, because thoughts about Benji are more or less constants in his life. But he has a job to do, and he can think about the tux later. In private.

More than anything, Ethan knows he is going to protect Benji at all costs. There is no question; that is simply how it will be.

It doesn’t matter if Ethan dies on the job. Ethan’s life _is_ this job. Survival is important, of course; he’d be a bad agent if it wasn’t a priority. But Benji, who is much more normal than Ethan could ever be, deserves to live. And, hopefully, be happy.

(19:29: happy to hear Benji’s voice in my earpiece again.  
19:30: got a kick out of telling him ‘nice tux’ and then disappearing.)

Stubborn to a fault, Benji insists on helping with the mission.

Ethan wants so badly for him to be safe, for him to go back to the IMF and lay the blame on Ethan, to be well out of harm’s way. And Benji earnestly, desperately needs to know the whole story, and refuses to abandon Ethan. In those few moments, as he’s processing the loyalty laid bare in Benji’s voice, Ethan realises just how far gone he is for this man. “Okay” is all he can say. Benji is here for the long haul, damn him and his morals.

He thinks about all the ways this can go wrong the entire time they’re on their way to Ilsa.

(Casablanca, Morocco, Tuesday:  
15:56: laughing internally at the outfit Benji chose to wear today.  
15:57: saw him from behind. Not laughing.  
16:35: a little concerned by how much faith Benji has in me and my breath-holding skills.  
Wednesday, 10:08: I better not fuck this up or there won’t be a Benji anymore.)

Ethan dies, briefly, which he is fine with. Ilsa steals the drive, which he isn’t fine with.

(Wednesday, 11:50: Thank god, Benji made a backup copy of the drive. Jesus, he’s professional.)

And then - oh, god - then Benji is taken.

He’s gone. In the hands of that psychopath.

It scares Ethan, the lengths he’s prepared to go to get Benji back. Perhaps it’s the best way to stop Lane, too, but that’s almost an afterthought. Drugging the Prime Minister is almost the easy part. Memorising the disk’s contents is a little harder. But he hasn’t even gotten to the really hard part yet.

His senses are on high alert as he approaches the table. Something here is terribly, terribly wrong, apart from the fact that Lane has wrangled them into giving him the disk’s contents. As soon as he sees Benji’s face, eyes blank and wide with dread, something inside Ethan breaks. Suddenly, his throat closes up and he can’t breathe. _Oh god, how did this happen?_ “Careful”, Ilsa says, as he reaches out to confirm his fears. It’s true. Benji is wired up with explosives, terrified, and completely powerless, with that bastard’s voice controlling him.

He can see pain and hatred in Benji’s face. He touches his shoulder, lightly, trying to say _I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,_ knowing that these might be the last seconds of their lives. He sits down, and hates himself. But he has a plan, and he hopes it will work.

(23:57: Benji is really starting to panic. Hold on, Benji. Hold on.  
23:59:56: this might not work. Please, Benji. Keep looking at me. I’m sorry.)

The plan works, and the _fucking_ bomb is off of Benji. If Ethan dies now, that’s okay.

Later, in the van, when their adrenaline is fading and they’re realising they’re safe, Ethan looks at Benji. Haggard. Tired. He’s been half scared out of his wits, but he’s still stubbornly working, and trying so hard to keep it together. Ethan’s heart fills up and he feels it’s about to burst.

The evidence tells him that this isn’t just a crush. This is _important_. Life-and-death important. Raison-d'être important.

He’s all-in for Benji. He knows that now.

That’s just the way it is.

**Author's Note:**

> guys. why is Tom Cruise so hot. I rewatched all the MIs and I can't stop thinking about that glorious head of hair.


End file.
